I have that sense I sometimes get, that something is just around the corner. A large part of me thinks it’s going to be something awful and is just waiting for another bomb to drop, not quite able to believe the worst has already happened. A smaller part of me thinks it is something great - but then the little negative voice in my head says that’s just wishful thinking.

Most of the time I feel like I am in limbo. There’s a huge gap in my life where Adam used to be. he has been such a focus, for so long - as lover, friend, person I worry about, in good times and bad - that I just don’t know yet how to fill the space. I am totally without focus, energy, drive or inspiration. I am doing the basic things I need to keep the house going, the kids fed and the bills paid, but little more.

It will pass - I feel better than I did a few weeks ago. I am starting to have vague ideas about things I would like to do some day. I am looking after myself a little better, eating better, sleeping better.

Just sitting here … waiting for the hurt to pass … waiting for time to heal the pain … waiting for the bad feelings to subside … waiting for whatever happens next …

I worked through an awful lot of the bad stuff that was blurring my vision.

I was absolutely honest with myself about many important things.

I put myself in someone elses shoes and made myself see things from their perspective.

I asked myself what I want from the future and how I can go about achieving it.

I decided to be happy with my life as it is, even if nothing ever changes.

I let go of the past and any feelings of regret.

I sent blessings into the universe for all others starting out on a new path.

I took comfort from friends and family and knew that I am not alone.

I felt happy for someone I still care about very deeply and the wonderful new adventure they have started.

I found peace buried deep inside, dug it out and allowed it to glow.

I am starting this week with a smile on my face, a song in my heart, love for the world and hope for the future.

Peace, love and happiness to you all xx

I went to dinner at my brother, Michaels house on Wednesday. It’s the first time I’ve been out for a social evening in years. His wife, Ali, cooked a delicious roast chicken dinner; Basil, the dachshund decided to try and out stare me; I was tested on my knowledge of advertising with a few questions from the Logo board game; and I got to see the rebuilt conservatory that Michael worked so hard on.

Yesterday, me, the kids and my mum spent the afternoon in the sun at our local car boot sale. We came home loaded with goodies. I got some wonderful clothes, a pile of books and, after many years of searching, the perfect picture to hang above the living room fireplace. Then, this morning, off we went to the local jumble sale, where my mum was helping out and we came back with more clothes, a six foot long snake cuddly toy (!), lots of home baked cake and a voucher for a meal for two at a local cafe which I won in the raffle.

Thats a hell of a lot of activity for me in one week!! I know it sounds very sad, but it’s true. I don’t remember the last time I have done so much outside the house and made contact with so many people all in one week.

Sadly, there have been bad times too this week. My birthday last Saturday was the worst ever, mostly spent in tears. Thursday was another bad day, and I fell apart quite badly. Emma was an enormous comfort to me, bless her, plus I have been very fortunate in finding a really good friend online, who is prepared to let me ramble after which she always has wise words to share.

So, all in all, not too bad a week - all things considered. Let’s see what the next one brings.

Namaste

… this coat and the lovely lady who sold it to me

… car boot sales and jumble sales full of bargains

… new (to me) clothes

… bumping into an old friend I’ve not seen in years

… dinner at my brothers house.

Enjoy the sun, the joy, the love,
Embrace them, make them yours,
Move on into the future,
While I’m still closing doors.

I was undecided about posting this, as I am trying to focus on the positive in my life. However, this poem came to me last night, begging to be written down and shared. A very wise friend said to me the other day that I should write down the feelings that are churning inside as it would be theraputic. This poem is the start of that process - and she was quite right

I’ve been gone for a year, give or take. I honestly never thought I would go back. There are so many new reasons for me to stay away.

But…

Over the last couple of months, while other things in my life have made no sense, it became clear to me that I was actually missing Second Life. I started to examine the feelings and try to figure out what it was I was missing about a place that gave me so much heartache. It came down to three things really:

1 - I miss taking photos in SL and then having the fun of editing them. I’ve pretty much given up on DAZ. Its a wonderful tool and can produce some stunning results (even I managed to create a few images that I am rather proud of). But, it is not at all intuitive. Getting clothes to look right is a nightmare - hence most of my models being nude! It costs a lot of money to build up a decent inventory of clothes and props to use, rather limiting what I can do. In Second Life, Phoenix already has a huge inventory and it is so easy (and so much fun!) to create new looks and personas. Plus, there is a whole world just waiting to be used as a backdrop.

2 - The builds. I never really felt I did as much exploring as I could have in SL. There were so many amazing builds that I never got to see outside of pictures on Flickr. Just imagine how many more, and even more wonderful builds there are to see now, a year later!

3 - Music. I never did get round to listening to any live performances in SL, for very many reasons. I always regretted that as I know there are some amazing musicians performing in world. It’s something I want to cross off of my list of things I never did.

Plus, of course, despite bad experiences that I, and others I know, have had, there are some amazing people in Second Life. Maybe, just maybe, it’s my turn to meet some of them.

On a previous post, Alex commented that he hoped I never returned to the addiction that is Second Life. Well, it never was an addiction for me. I spent relatively little time in there compared to a lot of people. It was always supposed to be fun, creative, and maybe a way to explore who I am a little bit. Seems like now is a very good time to return to somewhere that might just offer a little of what I am looking for.

Another year wiser? I hope so.

Worst birthday ever? Definately.

Moving swiftly on …

… a handful of wonderful friends I have met online

… spring sunshine

… the council sorting my rent out

… The Big Bang Theory

… finding time to finally finish reading Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell

… Greek yoghurt on top of fresh pear and banana.

For eight years, Adam and I have had a relationship of some kind or another. Living together, engaged (twice), just friends, more than friends, barely friends, and finally (as I understood it) very special friends, who loved each other dearly and who were working towards one day being more than friends once more.

Adam has often lately referred to us as ‘friends, or whatever else we are or might be’, which has been at odds with his behaviour and has confused me no end. Although we have been ‘just friends’ for well over a year now, I was still very much trying to find ways for things to be better, easier, smoother for us, but over the last few months, Adam has started to become distant, uncommunicative and seemed not at all interested in anything I say or do. I started the year in a very positive state of mind, but it has been gradually eroded by lack of interest or support from my best (only) friend.

It came to a head just over a week ago, when he told me we would never be more than friends.

My heart broke into a million tiny pieces.

He was right - we have always had difficulty working as a couple. We have a very precious friendship that was in danger of being lost if we carried on as we were and he didn’t want to lose that. However, knowing deep down that he was right didn’t stop it hurting in every fibre of my being.

A week passed. A week in which he was even quieter, more distant. A week in which he almost seemed to be avoiding me. I knew he was spending long hours in Second Life, sometimes staying up all night, but that didn’t account for the blank wall I seemed to be facing. I tried to get him to talk to me, to explain, to tell me how we were supposed to keep our friendship alive if we never even spoke, much less saw each other.

I began to get scared - for our friendship, for Adams health, for the future.

Then I saw a comment on his Facebook wall and I knew.

He finally told me last Friday that he has fallen for someone new, someone he met in Second Life.

He is pretty much nocturnal due to her being located in the US and pretty much all of his time is taken up with the new relationship. I understand. I worry. I mourn.

I wish him all the happiness in the world.

No matter what happens, he will always have a special place in my heart. I will always consider him to be a part of my family. I will always be here when he wants/needs a friend, in good times and in bad.

But …

I have made a decision.

I will not let this destroy me and I will not sit around waiting to feel ‘better’ before I start to live my life again.

In the first hours and days after finding out, I felt like I could just curl up and die. I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking all over. I cried all the time. I didn’t sleep. I was full of pain - physical, mental, and spiritual. My soul was screaming. The weekend has been and gone, I no longer shake and breathing has returned to normal. I am far from ‘over’ this and have no idea how long the healing will take.

But something has already started to happen.

It is spring, Easter, the time of Ostara, of new life and re-birth.

My affinity with the Phoenix has never felt stronger. She has risen up and given me strength when I most need it. In the past, she has started to rise, only to flounder in the ashes and burn out once again. This time she is burning brightly - fierce in her determination.

I have spent eight years trying (by my own decision) to bend myself into a shape that would work as Adam’s other half. I have bent so much, that I no longer have any idea what shape I am meant to be.

This blog, resurrected from months of neglect, is going to become what I always intended it to be - a place to record my journey as I find out what my own unique, awesome shape is. I am going to do things I have never done, return to things I have abandoned, take chances, clear out clutter - mental and physical - to give myself space to just be me. Sometimes I will be cautious, taking baby steps. Other times I may rush right in. Sometimes I will fail or get hurt. Other times I will succeed beyond my wildest dreams! Whatever happens, I will be doing it on my terms, just for me, because I finally can.

All my adult life it seems I have been trying to be what someone else wants and it is time for that to STOP! The only role I need to play is that of myself.

I’d like to think that someone is still out there, reading this, willing to follow my journey, but it really doesn’t matter if no one ever reads these words. I know, somehow, that just writing them down and sending them out into the universe is part of the healing, part of the journey which has only just begun.

Namaste

Next Saturday, 10th April is my birthday.  However, I have decided to add a new celebration to the month and declare today, 4th April, my re-birth day.

The universe has been sending me messages, helping my head to clear and the light to shine.  There is still a very long way to go, but I think I have taken a first, tentative step.

I shall write more tomorrow, but wanted to get this posted.

It’s bang on midnight as I type.

Today, 5th April, is the first day of the rest of my life.  Come celebrate with me xx