This is the first and last time I shall write about what has happened in the last couple of weeks. I nearly decided not to, but, if I am to document my journey from here, I feel I need to start at the beginning. Also, some of you (if there is anyone still reading this other than Adam, who probably won’t want to read this post) have known me for some time and already know of the ups and downs of the past few years. It would seem wrong to not honour all that has gone before, acknowledge where it has led me, and how it has affected me, before going on to whatever comes next.
For eight years, Adam and I have had a relationship of some kind or another. Living together, engaged (twice), just friends, more than friends, barely friends, and finally (as I understood it) very special friends, who loved each other dearly and who were working towards one day being more than friends once more.
Adam has often lately referred to us as ‘friends, or whatever else we are or might be’, which has been at odds with his behaviour and has confused me no end. Although we have been ‘just friends’ for well over a year now, I was still very much trying to find ways for things to be better, easier, smoother for us, but over the last few months, Adam has started to become distant, uncommunicative and seemed not at all interested in anything I say or do. I started the year in a very positive state of mind, but it has been gradually eroded by lack of interest or support from my best (only) friend.
It came to a head just over a week ago, when he told me we would never be more than friends.
My heart broke into a million tiny pieces.
He was right - we have always had difficulty working as a couple. We have a very precious friendship that was in danger of being lost if we carried on as we were and he didn’t want to lose that. However, knowing deep down that he was right didn’t stop it hurting in every fibre of my being.
A week passed. A week in which he was even quieter, more distant. A week in which he almost seemed to be avoiding me. I knew he was spending long hours in Second Life, sometimes staying up all night, but that didn’t account for the blank wall I seemed to be facing. I tried to get him to talk to me, to explain, to tell me how we were supposed to keep our friendship alive if we never even spoke, much less saw each other.
I began to get scared - for our friendship, for Adams health, for the future.
Then I saw a comment on his Facebook wall and I knew.
He finally told me last Friday that he has fallen for someone new, someone he met in Second Life.
He is pretty much nocturnal due to her being located in the US and pretty much all of his time is taken up with the new relationship. I understand. I worry. I mourn.
I wish him all the happiness in the world.
No matter what happens, he will always have a special place in my heart. I will always consider him to be a part of my family. I will always be here when he wants/needs a friend, in good times and in bad.
But …
I have made a decision.
I will not let this destroy me and I will not sit around waiting to feel ‘better’ before I start to live my life again.
In the first hours and days after finding out, I felt like I could just curl up and die. I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking all over. I cried all the time. I didn’t sleep. I was full of pain - physical, mental, and spiritual. My soul was screaming. The weekend has been and gone, I no longer shake and breathing has returned to normal. I am far from ‘over’ this and have no idea how long the healing will take.
But something has already started to happen.
It is spring, Easter, the time of Ostara, of new life and re-birth.
My affinity with the Phoenix has never felt stronger. She has risen up and given me strength when I most need it. In the past, she has started to rise, only to flounder in the ashes and burn out once again. This time she is burning brightly - fierce in her determination.
I have spent eight years trying (by my own decision) to bend myself into a shape that would work as Adam’s other half. I have bent so much, that I no longer have any idea what shape I am meant to be.
This blog, resurrected from months of neglect, is going to become what I always intended it to be - a place to record my journey as I find out what my own unique, awesome shape is. I am going to do things I have never done, return to things I have abandoned, take chances, clear out clutter - mental and physical - to give myself space to just be me. Sometimes I will be cautious, taking baby steps. Other times I may rush right in. Sometimes I will fail or get hurt. Other times I will succeed beyond my wildest dreams! Whatever happens, I will be doing it on my terms, just for me, because I finally can.
All my adult life it seems I have been trying to be what someone else wants and it is time for that to STOP! The only role I need to play is that of myself.
I’d like to think that someone is still out there, reading this, willing to follow my journey, but it really doesn’t matter if no one ever reads these words. I know, somehow, that just writing them down and sending them out into the universe is part of the healing, part of the journey which has only just begun.
Namaste 
